What do swimmers want from their parents? Approval!

In 1989, I was teaching swim lessons in a large Red Cross program at WPAFB. I had been doing this for almost 4 years and it was the most gratifying job I ever had up until that point. The other instructors and I felt we offered the best instruction anywhere in the Dayton area, and the Dayton Area Red Cross backed that statement up by recognizing our program with several acknowledgements and awards. The hours weren’t strenuous, the pay was decent, and I had plenty of time for my college studies. Most importantly, I was able to see the joy on young children’s faces when they learned how to float for the first time. Equally gratifying was the look on Mom and Dad’s face when little Johnny could hold his breath under water for the first time. Since I was just a few years out of high school at the time, I wasn’t able to fully understand the joy Mom and Dad felt when there child accomplished those new skills, but their smile made me feel like a hero, and that was cool.

That year, the head coach of the swim team saw how much I loved working with the youth, and asked me to work with the younger swimmers on the swim team. Confident in my abilities as an instructor, and with my strong swimming background, I decided to make the jump from instructor to coach. For those first 2 years, I worked with the new swimmers. Many of them had gone through the swim lessons program and their parents saw something in their ability that led them to the swim team. Nearly all of those young swimmers had equal enthusiasm about joining the team, and put up no resistance to Mom and Dad when they came to their first tryout. Some of the boys did have a problem with a Speedo, though, but this was rarely an issue after they saw the big kids exiting the pool wearing nothing but 4" of thread.

Just like in swim lessons, these young swimmers improved quickly in the water, looked better each month, and always smiled at Mom and Dad when a new skill was developed. Soon, these kids were swimming in their first meets. It took them several minutes to get up and down the pool, but that didn’t matter. Mom and Dad couldn’t hold in their happiness during those special moments. Even more gratifying was the look children gave their parent after a race. Not having children yet, I’m assuming this is what it is all about. Watching your own child, someone that is a part of you, accomplish something that he/she has never done before. Then, to have your child run to you with the biggest smile on his/her face. How wonderful that must feel!

One swimmer I coached, who I will call "Cindy", was a talented 6-year-old. The minute it took her to swim up-and-down the pool soon turned into 55 seconds, then 50 seconds, and then 45 seconds. As in all sports, some athletes develop more coordination and strength at an earlier age than their peers do. Wow, I thought. I must be a really good coach! Cindy has only been swimming a few months and she placed 5^th at a meet where all the big teams in Dayton were attending. At the ripe, young age of 20, I overlooked the fact that Cindy was approaching four and one half feet tall, had the hands of big foot, and the kick of a horse; and she was only 6 years old. Cindy’s parents noticed the rapid skill development, too. They were exited at the prospect of having a future star. Cindy improved so much during that first season, that she won every single 6 & under event at the Mary Lou Mini Meet in Kentucky, the biggest 10 & under meet in the Midwest, en route to winning High Point Honors for her age group.

The success continued into the 7-8 age group, where she was equally dominating. By her 8^th birthday, she could look me in the eye. I’m no giant, but an 8-year-old looking me in the eye says a lot about her size. It wasn’t just her size that made her a great athlete. She had great strokes and she was a great competitor. Her peers liked her a lot and didn’t mind her being the fastest 8 & under swimmer in Dayton. She was 8 and already achieving 10 & under A times. She swept every event at every meet she attended. Mom and Dad would encourage her to win races and even brought the trophies to practice Cindy had won the weekend before.

In 1991, a new family arrived to Dayton from overseas. They had 2 young girls. One was 8 and the other was 10. They were both extremely talented and fit nicely into the group I was coaching. The younger one, "Belinda", was not quite as fast as Cindy, but she was close. That year, team veteran Cindy, and the newcomer Belinda, went 1-2 in every meet in Dayton and Cincinnati. The best part was their friendship. They were the nicest girls in and out of the pool. They were great lane mates and hung out together at meets. To Cindy’s parents, however, things weren’t so rosy. In just a few, short month, a new swimmer on the team was improving so rapidly, she was swimming on the heels of their daughter. You could see it in their eyes at practice and at meets. Things weren’t as fun as they were the 2 previous years. It was obvious to those around that a bit more anxiety surrounded Cindy’s family. Cindy’s Mom began to pull out the "log book" and show Cindy how her times weren’t improving as rapidly as the preceding months. She would say, "Cindy, you dropped 2 seconds in December in this event, you didn’t drop at all in January, and you only dropped a half second on February." Cindy would look at Mom as if to say, "I’m sorry, Mom. I let you down", even though she was having a spectacular year. Meanwhile, Belinda was improving rapidly and had recently dropped several seconds in the same event Cindy’s Mom was referring to, although she still wasn’t as fast as Cindy. Cindy’s parents had to bring that up often, too. Soon, discussions about dropping time turned into discussions about the performance of other swimmers in Cindy’s age group. I wondered how the fragile mind of an 8-year-old interpreted those conversations?

Although Cindy’s parents would never admit it today, their discussions and facial expressions contributed to Cindy’s heightened emotions at meets. The key word here is "facial expressions". Although Cindy’s parents would often say, "we are proud of your swimming, dear", their expressions said otherwise. Whenever a swimmer would almost beat Cindy, or her times didn’t improve, their lips would contort, their smiles turned to frowns, or they would just nod their head back and forth for a few seconds. Even though Cindy was almost 9 at this point, she was smart: she could sense exactly what her parents were thinking. They could say a thousand times, "we are proud of your swimming, dear", but it didn’t matter. Cindy knew she was letting her parents down by their expressions alone, and she was the fastest, most talented swimmer around.

In 1993, both girls were 10 and they were still racking up the High Point awards in Columbus, Dayton, and Cincinnati areas. Cindy was still the faster swimmer, and Belinda was just a short step behind. Belinda didn’t mind being second to Cindy in most races. She loved to compete and loved to practice. She was quiet in practice, and rarely showed emotions at meets. She was always happy for Cindy’s success and never became jealous. Whenever Belinda had a great race or a bad race, she would talk to the coaches first, seek out her parents for a quick hug, and then end up wherever the team was hanging out. She followed that same routine at every meet. Looking back, I rarely saw Belinda’s parents. It’s only been seven years, but I can hardly recall what they look like in my mind. They were at all the practices and meets, but I rarely saw them. I’m sure they were enjoying the same joys of watching their child perform as all the other Moms and Dads, but they never stood in the front row.

Soon Belinda’s Dad was transferred away from WPAFB. It was a sad day for the team. Belinda and her older sister became the "quiet" favorites on the team and everyone was sad to see them leave. Except, of course, for Cindy’s parents. They didn’t go out of their way to hug the departing family, attend the going away party, or join in conversations with other parents about their departure. The coaches sensed the Cindy’s parents were probably glad Cindy was going to remain the top up-and-coming girl on the team. Cindy, however, was sad. She was still too young to see Belinda as a threat. After all, Belinda was her playmate. Playmates are much more important to a 10-year-old girl than a potential rival.

Towards the end of that season as a 10-year-old, Cindy grew a couple more inches and her times dropped even more. I remember that season clearly. Her parents were looking at the results of the previous year’s Ohio AA Junior Olympics (otherwise known as the state championship meet for 14 & under swimmers). Cindy was in a position to be a top contender in the backstroke events in the upcoming AA meet. But she needed to be faster. As a coach, I was excited Cindy was doing well at meets. I never had a swimmer go to AA’s before, so I was just excited knowing that Cindy had qualified. Her parents, however, really put the pressure on her from January through March after she qualified for the big meet. I began to feel they wanted Cindy to win and win BIG. For the first time, I saw just how competitive the parents were. I always knew they wanted Cindy to be the best, but once they discovered that she could be the best, they created a very difficult environment for Cindy to live under. Cindy began to cry at meets. Even though she was five body lengths in front of the other swimmers, she would still become upset. Sometimes, I couldn’t even hold on a typical conversation with her because her eyes swelled and she had a look of fear in her. If she swam a good time, then she was upset about another swimmer in her event. If she went faster than the other swimmer in her event, then she was upset with her time. The pattern that was emerging was the very same pattern her parents had developed over the last two years. So now, to add additional complications, she was unable to focus on "learning" how to race with coach feedback. It was becoming increasingly difficult for me to highlight the sensational parts of her swims, which were for the most part, sensational. It didn’t matter that her turns were so much better than the last meet. Nor did it matter that she split the back and breast split perfectly on her 200 IM. Her overall focus was the ever-increasing grimace on Mom and Dad’s faces, because those expressions showed signs of "disapproval". Cindy began to stand around me at meets longer after her races. She used to run straight to Mom and Dad after getting her splits, but now she just glared over my shoulder at them for many extra minutes. Things have really changed in four years, I thought.

The AA meet finally approached and guess what? Cindy finished 2^nd in the 50 back and 2^nd in the 100 back. The girl who won the 50 and 100 back from the Cincinnati Marlins broke an unprecedented 8 state records and 1 national record at that meet. The meet was at the new Washington TWP Recreation Center in Centerville, Ohio, the first time a state championship meet was held in Dayton. Cindy was happy, her parents were happy, and I was happy. It was a great end to a great season.

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Cindy doesn’t swim anymore. She quit shortly after turning 13. From age 11 until the time she "retired", she wasn’t excited at meets anymore. She didn’t cry at every meet, only some, but it was obvious she had no joy in what she was doing. Her parents still showed displeasure with the subtle lip-contortions on their faces after many of her swims. Cindy still interpreted those expressions as moments of failure in her parent’s eyes; it didn’t matter how much they said, "we are proud of your swimming, dear." When Cindy was older, she stopped going to her parents after her swims. Her parents hadn’t had that look of joy in their eye, so why should she go to them? Eventually, she told her parents she was no longer going to be on the swim team. Her career lasted 7 years and ended at the age of 13. Her parents simply said, "She doesn’t have the desire anymore", as if Cindy just woke up one day and decided that. They were unable to see their look of dissatisfaction contributed to a very tough environment for Cindy to swim under. Cindy perceived her swimming as not being up to her parent’s approval.

Remember Belinda? I received a Christmas card from Belinda last year and she sent me an e-mail over the summer. She lives in California and swims for a large team near Los Angeles (coincidentally, the same team I swam on when I was 12 years old!). She is a senior in high school and is looking at getting a swimming scholarship to the University of Arizona for the 2001-02 school year. She went on and on about her sport. I’ll bet her parents are at every meet, somewhere in the back row, with glowing hearts after every one of Belinda’s swims.